The best laughs

Children Writing About the Ocean

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. 
- (Kelly, age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
 - (Jerry, age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
 - ( Wayne, age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
 - (Kylie, age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
 - (Billy, age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
 - (Millie, age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
 - (William, age 7)

8) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
 - (Helen, age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
 - (Amy, age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
 - (Christopher, age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
 - (Kevin, age 6)

13) On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat butt.
 - (Julie, age 7)

14) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
 - (Bobby, age 6)

15) My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
 - (James, age 7)

A Touching Home Depot Story

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot," Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Senior Golf Rule Modifications

Modifications to the Rules of Golf - For Seniors Only!

Rule  1.a.5

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b)

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.  This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3 (g)

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball; the missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making
it a stolen ball.  The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule  4.c.7 (h)

If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supercedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5.

Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in.  This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the
hole.  No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k)

There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds."  If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur.  The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z)

There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float.  Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.

Rule  8.k.9(s)

Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by  purchasing new golf equipment.  Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

Underwear

One evening, while thinking I was being funny, I said to my wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take an inch or 2
off of your butt!"!

My wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning I took a pair of underwear out of my drawer. "What is this?" I said to myself as a little dust cloud appeared when I shook them out.

"Connie", I hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied..... "It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!"