" I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once... None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves. "
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Night Before Christmas in Aussie Land

Monday, 23 December 2013 10:22
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'Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound.


Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.

We'd left on the table some tucker and beer,


Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here;


We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,


While dreams of pavlova danced 'round in our heads;

And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,


Had just settled down to watch TV sports.


When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;


Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.


We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,


snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.


Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,


But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty 'roos.


The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,


And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.


Now, I'm telling the truth it's all dinki-di,


Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.

Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,


And encouraged the 'roos, by calling their names.


'Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!


On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!


Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,


I'll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!'


So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,


With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.


He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,


Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.


He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.


A jolly old joker was how he appeared.


He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,


And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.


His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled!


And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!


His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly


Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.


A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,


And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.


He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,


To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.


Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.


And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.


A mysterious package he left for our Mum,


Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;


He strolled out on deck and his 'roos came on cue;


Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.


He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-



MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!'

 

The Pharmacists

Saturday, 02 February 2013 20:24
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A Biker walked into a chemist shop in Adelaide, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is:

1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And $3,000 a month in living expenses."

   

Selling My Stuff

Monday, 29 October 2012 13:09
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One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

   

New Paperback

Tuesday, 23 October 2012 12:18
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Me missus bought a paperback

Down town on Saturday,

I had a peep into her bag;

'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."

 

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread.

 

Her left hand held a length of rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down onto the floor,

And then began to strip.

 

Well fifty years or so ago

I might have had a peek;

But Doris hasn’t weathered well;

She’s eighty four next week.

 

Watching Doris bump and grind

Could not have been much grimmer.

Things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet

A cuppla minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

That I must dominate her!!

 

Now if you knew our Doris,

You would see just why I spluttered,

I’d spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I’d uttered.

 

She stood there nude, just naked like,

Bent forward just a bit ….

I took a pace to brace meself

And stood on her left tit!

 

Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

“Step on the other one!”

 

Well readers, I won't tell no more

What happened on that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair

Turned “fifty shades of grey”.

   

Good Picture

Friday, 04 November 2011 12:05
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A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

   

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